“Girl, how come you weren’t able to connect with him? He’s very handsome, and now becoming an internet celebrity with his engagement with that Canadian hottie, what happened?” That was the last of Janet’s questions that pissed Nene off as she drove around, pondering why Josh wouldn’t marry her despite spending both public and private time, and almost 20 million naira on her. And despite his ‘boringly tedious’ writing job in which she had no interest nor contribution and their steady fights within their six-month relationship, she practically lived in his luxurious apartment to wade off girls. Expecting marital commitment and material privileges without interest and contribution to their social passions – entitlement mentality – ranks high among men’s reasons for using and dumping ladies.
Many young ladies complain about guys’ unwillingness to marry and its global use-and-dump effect on women. Use and dump is a case where someone quits a relationship after sexually or financially gaining from it. This difficulty continues despite numerous avenues for meeting men both online and offline, locally and internationally. Some ladies now adopt a cliché, ‘men are scum’, to classify men as unserious people who degrade and exploit ladies. And they get more desperate, given their rise in age and decrease in childbearing potentials. Guys blame several factors like poverty, delay in defining their lives’ goals, unemployment, and the ladies’ disloyalty, gold-digging and mostly, entitlement mentality. Economic fluxes in modern societies, mostly third-world countries, bring more excuses for young men. Even some rich young men now prefer multiple baby-mamas to having a real marriage.
According to theists, God created man and gave him the task of caring for nature. When God noticed that man was lonely, he created woman to take care of man, and by extension, all humans. So, while men are created and interested to work on objects and structures, women are created and interested to work on people. While men’s testosterone fills them with jagged energy to work the earth/ground for material productivity, women’s oestrogen fills women with compassion to nurture human beings. This could explain why more men are interested in creative sciences/technology, and more women in humanities, education or medical sciences. Yet, both men and women derive true happiness by using their respective hormones to conquer the social challenges in their areas of interest.
What men offer to the society and to women
No country, city or state is formed, built, equipped or defended by women, and even when a woman leads a society by inheritance or high competence, she relies on men for production and protection. Because of their higher physical and emotional strength, men take on the more physically demanding roles for security and productivity. So, it is men’s role to form, build, defend and produce the systems and material needs of a country or society. Men train and organize themselves to provide physically secure, conducive and equipped environment in which their women, children, elderly and associates can grow freely. And to their personal female partners (fiancée or wife), men owe both physical and emotional protection, provision and profession, even for their offspring.[1] Hence, a man’s strength is seen in his productivity and its growth effect on his family, community, nation and the world.
What women offer to the society and to men
Because of their compassion and emotional intelligence, women undertake management roles for fair distribution and harmonious social relations. So, they train and organise themselves to physically and emotionally nurture, teach, heal, critique and beautify humanity.[2] They make men’s work relevant by using men’s material products to nourish, nurture and beautify the society. And to their personal male partners (fiancé or husband) they owe intimate and physical support to discover and attain their productive social purposes (destiny), its daily tasks and steady rewards. As competing sportsmen need advice, motivation, consolation and cheers from their coaching crew, men and children need advice, motivation, consolation and cheers from women.[3] And as a coach’s effort shows in his players’ success, a queen’s glory shows in the success of her king who she nurtures and fortifies. So, men value women who understand, appreciate and can contribute to their life passions and purposes.
Women naturally need to take care of somebody, and men naturally need to build or produce things. Women need what men build to take care of people, and men need women to apply what they build or earn for greater good. Men provide the seed of life, and women carry and nurture life to become meaningful. While men build and equip houses, women domesticate them into homes for harmonious living to refresh, support and inspire better productivity for all its dwellers. So, both men and women need each other to have a harmonious and progressive world. And women rely more on men who can presently or potentially provide for and protect them and their future offspring.
Causes of the friction called entitlement mentality
The friction of entitlement mentality implies the steady conflict between men and women about their roles in a relationship. And this friction leads to increased singleness, loneliness and depression among young people, especially the females. Some factors responsible for this friction include:
Global economic power tussle: The evolution in socio-economic structures, i.e. specialization and industrialization twists the social roles between men and women. Wealth is created by applying scientific knowledge on agricultural and mineral resources to produce useful items.[4] And individuals who officially own their lands, mineral resources, machines or desirable skills for more production get more wealth. Previously, men massively did the production jobs[5] with physical muscle-energy, while women mostly did service jobs to use those products to render services. But modern industrial production evolved from muscle energy to industrial energy (electricity, steam, oil etc.), needing less muscle-energy to create better products and service jobs. Also, global power-tussles twisted political systems for owning lands and resources, and so displaced more men from owning their lands and resources.
Despite the evolution in production method that requires less of men’s muscles, the biological desire between men and women stay the same. But as seizing people’s lands denies many men the resources they need to protect and provide for their families, many men now struggle to fit into service-jobs where women naturally fit in. In liberal societies, more women work in service industries to earn equally or more than men. The result is that high-earning women now seek men who earn higher or, at least, equal to them. So, this global power-tussle distorts natural values between men and women by ranking couple’s roles in a relationship based on earning. And some modern ladies measure their respect for male partners based on income. Some men endure such disrespectful relationships until they become economically buoyant to exit, revenge or maltreat the women.
Due to their higher physical strength and its potential for protection, provision and profession for women, men expect respect from women. So, some men feel entitled to female respect, even without working to provide or protect ladies, or when their efforts are not yielding the economic fruits, especially in politically deformed societies that restrict material production. Then they feel threatened when their women’s financial or professional status rises above theirs in the service industry. For it only takes a virtuous woman with deep cultural values to respect her man when she rises more than him on the professional or financial ladder.
Culture of consumerism over productivity: Beautiful girls easily notice that wealthy men flock to splash gifts on them just for being beautiful. Also, some families fail to equip their beautiful daughters with the modern queenly skills to inspire or support growth in people. Instead, they fill their daughters with negative pride as trophies to be won by the richest in order to enrich or support their family. Thus, instead of building capacity to inspire and support productive growth in their potential kings and kids, and seeking where their capacities will be relevant, they seek already-made kings and palaces to occupy. And since they have little to offer beyond external beauty, they are easily objectified or neglected in seriously productive matters.
Comparison: Hypergamy is a natural inclination in women for men with higher and stronger social status than them. Because of this complex, women often make checklists for their ideal partners based on other people’s standards, often forgetting their peculiar environments and situations. Even after meeting good guys, they keep looking for another better/trophy guy to rouse their competitors’ envy until the good guys leave. Then, not finding their trophy guy in the remaining men, they become rebellious and bitter. In frustration, they start seeing dating the remaining men as condescending until they are reminded by their biological clocks. And no valuable man wants to be a last option or consolation prize for a lady.
Legal structures: Some countries are now making laws to protect women against men. This rises with the increase of domestic violence and abuses coming from not properly educating and engaging men to use their rough energy on productivity.[6] During divorce, these legal systems easily grant child custody to women, along with the man’s house and property[7] as upkeep. With this condition, it becomes more discouraging for men to commit to someone who can leave at divorce with half or more of their earnings. Influenced by this system, women in other countries unconsciously adopt staunch entitlement mentality to men’s property.
Managing the factors for entitlement mentality and use-and-dump
If your child complains that his school football teammates do not value him enough or they snub him for being better, what will you do? Will you fight, insult the teammates and remove him from the team; will you train him to improve his skills to become more valuable if he lacked skills, or will you encourage him to support other students to improve if he is actually better? If women feel degraded, is it better to attack/avoid men or to increase women’s values by educating them in supportive skills and to assist men to become more productive and responsible? The world does not move on male and female sentiments, but on competence to support harmonious growth.[8] To reduce cases of use-and-dump, late marriage and the blamed entitlement mentality, women may consider few steps:
Aim to adjust socio-political systems: Machiavelli notes that kings desiring their men’s loyalty must desist from their women, lands and swords.[9] Their women give them love, peace and purpose; their lands give them resources for their women and kids; and their sword enables them protect their women and kids. Socio-political systems that deny men rights to their lands and resources deny them resources for providing and protecting their families. Such are the socio-political institutions colonialists imposed and sustain on most African communities to seize and exploit people’s lands/resources.[10] Without owning and using their resources for creating wealth as material production, men in colonially disorganized societies lack men-jobs, and struggle with women to fit into service jobs with few imported products.
Without understanding the socio-political obstacles to their men’s productivity, ladies mock or compare their men with men in developed societies. Yet, mocking men’s unproductivity can only push men away from loving women and into crime, not to productivity. And if men succeed in crime, they could retaliate the mockery on innocent women. To promote masculine productivity and responsibility, which brings wealth and harmony to a society, women must be politically aware to support reforms for men to recover their lands/resources for industry. So, instead of competing to financially overtake their men in service jobs, they need to support reforms to birth industries where men can profitably expend their jagged energy.
When more men are gainfully productive in a working society, they naturally feel responsible to provide, protect and profess love for women, kids and the society. Without creating wealth for service jobs, men will be roughly struggling for the few imported products with ladies. So, using their energy for creating wealth betters women’s lot, within and outside their families. But when men’s physical and emotional energy are not refined and engaged in productivity, they often become weapons for suppressing women and weaker people.
Cultivate support mentality and skills: Productive men require motivation, love, peace, fun and support, not liability nor competition in their homes. Thus, men lean towards women who have both the intention and capacity (skills or dispositions) to support them. It is not enough to want to help, the capacity to help build people is vital. So, instead of attacking or hating men, feminists can increase women’s values by educating more women in productive and queenly skills. No sensible man will use and dump an intellectually, skilfully and emotionally supportive woman. He has more to lose by dumping such an asset.
Defining their purpose: setting checklists based on friends’ or models’ standards occurs when people lack focus or purpose. So, instead of comparing and measuring partner-standard with other ladies, both local and foreign, ladies must define their purpose, the impact they wish to make in the world before dying. This will objectively guide them to develop both professional and queenly (supportive) skills on time before they reach desperation stages.
Support policies of merit: In free exchange societies, people earn more for being productive and supportive, than for being male or female. For wherever there is freedom, the principle of merit abounds above arbitrary seizure and allocation of people’s resources.[11] Now, several equality advocates betray advocacy by demanding privileges for one group at the expense of another. And such desires require strong governments and weak people who will depend on government’s seizure and reallocation of other people’s resources. Such practice discourages growth and cordial relationship, and increases hostility between different groups in a society. To reduce this fears, women can advocate for policies to educate more women to earn from being supportive, instead of demanding extra rights and privileges just for being women.
The mentality of being oppressed and entitled to extra privileges self-sabotages women by mentally discouraging them from fully developing their competence to support harmonious social growth. It blinds them from seeing that more men suffer deprivation in distorted and unproductive societies, thus creating more hostility for women. And by aiming to compete with men on power and money, instead of collaborating and supporting men to form productive societies, they set themselves up for unhappiness and loneliness. A queen’s role and glory are found in supporting her king to greatness and her palace to prosperity and peace, not in comparing her privileges with that of her king.
[1] Steve Harvey, Think like a man, act like a woman
[2] Cf. Queen Margery to High Sparrow, Game of Thrones, season 6, episode 7
[3] Southpaw, The movie (Kurt Sutter), directed by Antoine Fuqua, New York, 20th July, 2015
[4] Cf. Walter Rodney, How Europe underdeveloped Africa, 2009 edition (Abuja: Panaf press, 2009), p.23
[5] Production jobs involve the 3 stages of production: extraction, refining and distributing material products
[6] Chukwunwike Enekwechi, “Domestic violence and the definition of personhood in Nigeria” in Restartnaija. https://restartnaija.com/2019/06/04/domestic-violence-and-definition-of-personhood-in-nigeria/ retrieved 4th May, 2020.
[7] “Emmanuel Eboue loses life savings, properties to wife following bitter divorce” in Vanguard, December 24, 2017. www.vanguardngr.com/2017/12/emmanuel-eboue-loses-life-savings-properties-wife-following-bitter-divorce/
[8] Chukwunwike Enekwechi, “Growing a victory mentality from victimization” in Restartnaija. https://restartnaija.com/2019/11/05/growing-victory-mentality-victimization/ retrieved 4th May, 2020.
[9] Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince, translated by C. E. Detmold (London: Woodsworth Ltd., 1997), pp 70-71
[10] Nigerian instance, 29th March 1978, Land Use Act., and Nigerian Mineral and Mining Act
[11] Milton Friedman, Case against equal pay for work, https://youtu.be/hsIpQ7YguGE